Hey pals , i was sexually abused by a family member when i was 9 years old . He skipped the country to avoid being arrested and come back home when he was on his death bed with AIDS , this drove the family apart but my mother stood by me and was my source of strength. I grew up though i never forgot about it but i tried to not let it disturb my life in anyway . I started dating and the first guy i dated cheated on me twice and broke up because of that and that he had gotten a girl pregnant . I started dating another guy whom i met through a friend , from the first day he wanted sex and it became clear all he was interested in was sex nothing else , he would call or text for over 2weeks and when he reappears he would be calling me to came to his house at 2am and he will chase me out at 9am without even showering . i dont know why i held on but i did and he continued being mean , cheating and beating me . i still held on till recently he was still cheating but he had changed a little and i was beginning to really like him. we recently got into an argument and i decided we end things but i still find myself thinking about him and worrying about him and he has made it seem like all the abuse he put me threw is all my fault . i have moments i really hate men and moments i miss him so much whats wrong with me ? not only have i suffered scars but my ability to have children as i have had abortions for this guy one which almost killed me . i have always been kind to this guy and no matter what i try very hard to treat him nice and cater to all his needs. will i ever find a man that will love me?